I am an introvert.

Making friends never comes easy for me. Sometimes it’s even draining. And yet- it is through the genuine connection with other human beings that I tasted the ultimate richness of life. In addition to my own family, over the years, I kept a handful of close friends who I can always trust and talk to no matter how shitty situation I’m in. Those deep and meaningful relationships are essential to my life and what I treasure most.

Making friends gets harder as we age

Making friends also get more complicated or purposeful after we graduate from the school. The professional relationship in the workspace could become tricky. When you enter the workspace initially, you may be able to make friends with your peers who are at the same stage as you with an open heart- fresh, passionate, ideal, and perhaps a bit naive. Soon the power dynamics stirs up the normal interactions and you learned one way or another to bend your angle, mind the steps in order to maintain the professional boundary. It is rarely straightforward and simple. On top of that, if you choose to become a parent, there is hardly time to make friends- except for those parents that you met through your kids’ circle. The social connection in the parents’ circle is valuable in obtaining information- where to find a great piano teacher, how is the STEM club at school, best deals to get the kids’ school gears…,etc. Somehow I seldom felt ease in the group as if I was the only dad in a moms’ group. Perhaps it is the helicopter style parenting, chit-chat, gossip or the hidden comparisons that I just can’t blend in. As I walk into middle age, I found it more and more difficult to make new friends. People at 40+ mostly are always busy and occupied with a lot of responsibilities- family and work. Time is precious. When it comes to knowing new people, there is an invisible but intuitive thread surfacing- Do I have time for this? Do I need this? What value does this new “networking” bring potentially? The purposes behind it almost becomes unshakable after we are “socialized” enough. For some, sadly this may even start back in college days.

I couldn’t help wondering whether people at my age are still interested in meeting new friends- simply getting to know another human being out of curiosity, regardless of the job title, skills or the resource behind the person- just like how we make new friends in the kindergarten?

I know that I am.

Determined to step out of my comfort shell

Being at 40+, moving to a town in a foreign country with nearly no friends, and shifting into single-parenting gear- I know that I want to and have to weave a whole new net of friends here. Compared to the version of me attending the graduate school in the States, I’ve gained much more skillsets and also more comfort at socializing with people from the years in the workspace. I’m also now better at navigating local resources and assessing information. The cons are that I still have that vulnerable and introvert part of me to balance with- the inner kid who has the open heart and simply want to make friends(perhaps this is pros too?!).

In a little over three months, I’ve tapped into various and diverse communities. It was a revealing experience for me to feel through how much I feel “belonged” in different groups. It takes time. It requires taking a back seat, observing the ripples in the heart space and true inner listening. At the same time it was marvelous to watch how the sense of belonging formed. Everything evolved so differently from my 20s. I think it’s because of “the heart work” in recent years- the changes in how I relate to myself and how I relate to the world.

Inside an introvert’s mind

The ice-breaking phase doesn’t feel less awkward as I get older. Sometimes I feel as if I was a teenager student transferred to a new school, cautiously assessing everything around me, trying to play cool(at least act like knowing what I’m doing) and trying to fit in. Walking into a room full of strangers triggers a series of nonstop mind work and it goes like this: the first priority is to navigate the social norms- Do I need to sign in? Do people grab snacks first and then talk? Anyone I need to greet? What is the name of the person that I talked to last time? From scanning through the room, sensing the surrounding eye contacts, deciding whether or not to initiate a conversation to trying not to let the conversation dry out and finding a way to wrap up naturally with a positive beat. Man- being just “adequate” could be exhausting! Not to mention that this is not done in my native language. I am no way near the level how I can express myself in my mother tongue. Majority of my energy is spent on keeping up with what others are saying and being socially-adequate. Occasionally I get spare energy to make a clever joke or comment to resonate with the topic what others are discussing. What eventually came out of my mouth is probably only 1/10 of what ran through my mind at the time. My mind was usually busy with digesting/guessing what others are saying and transferring my thoughts into English comment, if it comes out in time.

After the initial phase, there may be some people that you want to connect further and explore the possibility to deepen the friendship. Now, it comes the scary step- to ask the person out. It is more than 20+ years since last time I did this (back in college days). I felt so awkward asking this being at this kind of occasions(and age) and my tongue felt rusted. I strolled around the room for quite a while until there is enough courage to walk up to the person seemingly casually to ask the question “Hey! Would you like to have a coffee chat with me sometime next week?”

The scary part is not knowing how they would respond- whether they feel the same way as I do or they may turn me down, which may make this even more awkward! No matter how it turned out, I literally gave myself an inner “well-done! girl!” shout-out and sometimes soothed myself while still feeling the aftermath shivering following the conversation.

It is rewarding

Those courageous moves paid off. I get to know a couple of them individually a little bit more and vice versa. I always feel more ease having 1:1 conversation rather than a group setting. The quality of connection always outweighs the quantity of connection to me. Meeting people who I feel safe to let off my guard and be authentic is huge. I’m enriched by diverse perspectives and philosophies they brought as many of them come with cultural backgrounds or life journey very different from mine. I was nourished by the the diversity.

Coming in as a foreigner and a minority in many ways offers the optimal view to sense the inclusiveness quality of a place. This is the angle that I never experienced in my hometown and gave me a whole new perspective. I realized how privileged I was in my home country. I also now recognized it was the discomfort being the minorities and the deprivation of opportunities that drove me back to Asia after finishing up the graduate school in UCLA. It is also an interesting contrast how little I feel bothered this time. At this moment in life, what I care about has changed significantly, so what I see is also different. The communities may come together for different purposes and the demographics may vary largely. But there is one common thread weaving through all communities that I feel connected with- inclusiveness, kindness and integrity.

My heart is full of warmth because of these open, genuine and caring friends that I met in the past few months. I’m so grateful for seeing this new circle of friends forming organically. Feeling that I’m part of the community brought me ease and the sense of safety. I want to give a heartfelt shout-out to myself for the courageous outreach efforts. There were bumps and stumbles along the way but I kept my heart open. And the shout-out to those incredibly warm souls who welcomed us with their open arms- I haven’t felt this strong sense of community for years and you made me realize how much I miss it!

Here are some photos to appreciate one of the amazing communities that I met – the 9am Squad @Curves! These ladies have inspired me in so many ways – their energy, perspectives and life stories. They had made my work-out time full of fun and so much more than an exercise routine!

Despite how desperate this world may seem at the moment, we can always choose to anchor ourselves on the ultimate goodness in people. It is still there and we need each other to keep the light on, just like what Michelle Obama described in “The Light We Carry.” Community matters.

I look forward to continuing weaving into and contributing to the incredible communities here in the new year!

“May what I do flow from me like a river, no forcing and no holding back, the way it is with children.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

點開此是文章的中文版本

我是一個Introvert (中文的「內向」會有些誤導這個字的全貌)。

對我來說，交朋友從來不是件容易的事。有時甚至讓人感到疲憊。然而，正是與其他人真誠的連結，讓我嚐到了生命的最豐富的滋味。除了我的家人，多年來，我一直維持著幾個可以信任並且不管我在糟糕的情況下都可以交談的親密朋友。這些深厚而有意義的關係對我的生活至關重要，也是我最珍惜的。

年齡越長，交友越難

隨著離開學校的生活場域，交朋友也變得更加複雜或是帶有目的性。職場中的專業關係可能變得棘手。初入職場時，你可能有機會能迅速與那些職場新鮮人- 心懷開放、新鮮、充滿熱情或甚至帶有點天真的同事-建立起友誼。但很快地，權力的動態攪亂了正常互動，你會找到某種方式學會彎曲角度，謹慎行事，以維持專業界限，這很少是直截了當和簡單的。除此之外，如果你選擇成為父母，那更是幾乎沒有時間交朋友——除非是因為孩子的交往圈結識的那些父母。父母圈中的社交關係對獲取信息是有價值的——在哪找到優秀的鋼琴老師? 學校的STEM俱樂部如何? 獲得孩子學校裝備的最佳交易等等。不知何故，我在這類的媽媽群中很少感到自在，這種不自在感彷彿我是媽媽團體中唯一的爸爸。也許是直升機式的教養、或是閒聊八卦、或是隱藏性的比較，我總是不太能融入。我走進中年後，發現越來越難交到新朋友。40歲以上的人總是非常忙碌，擔負著許多責任——家庭和工作。時間寶貴。當涉及到要認識新朋友時，有一種看不見但直觀的思維浮現——我有時間嗎？我需要嗎？這個新的“人脈”可能帶來什麼潛在價值？在我們被足夠“社會化”後，這些目的幾乎變得不可動搖。對一些人來說，有點悲傷的是(從我的角度)，這可能甚至從大學時代就開始了。

我不禁想知道，像我這個年齡的人是否仍然對結識新朋友感興趣——不論對方的職稱、技能或身後的資源如何，單純出於好奇心，想了解另一個人的心情就像我們在幼稚園時結交新同學一樣？

我知道我是。

決心走出舒適的外殼

40歲出頭的我，搬到一個幾乎沒有朋友的外國小鎮，轉入偽單親模式——我知道我想要並且必須在這裡編織一個全新的朋友網。與當年在美國攻讀研究所的我相比，我在職場打滾的這些年中獲得了更多的技能，對社交的舒適感有提升。我現在也更擅長於尋覓當地資源和評估資訊。缺點是我仍然有脆弱和內向的部分——那個內心的孩子，他有著開放的心，單純只想交朋友（也許這也是優點？！）。

在短短三個多月的時間裡，我接觸了多元種類的社群。對我來說，感受自己在不同群體中有多少“歸屬感”是一趟充滿啟示的經歷。這需要時間。需要我不時拉開些距離，觀察心中的漣漪，然後仔細聆聽內在。與此同時，觀察歸屬感形成的過程也是非常地奇妙，一切都與我20多歲時的經歷大不相同。我想大概是由於這兩年來的“內心工作”——我與自己的關係以及我與這個世界的連結方式發生了變化。

進入Introvert的腦袋瓜

隨著年齡的增長，破冰的階段並沒有比較不尷尬。有時我感覺自己像是一個轉學到新學校的青少年，小心評估我周圍的一切，試圖表現得很酷（至少表現出好像知道自己在做什麼)，並試圖融入。走進一個滿是陌生人的房間，通常引發了一連串不停的內心戲，步驟如下：首要任務是瀏覽社交規範——我需要簽到嗎？人們是先拿點心然後再交談嗎？有人需要打招呼嗎？我上次交談的那個人叫什麼名字？從掃視房間，感受周圍的眼神接觸，決定是否發起對話，到努力不讓對話變得乏味，找到一種自然優雅且輕鬆的節奏結束對話的方式。哎呀——僅僅要“合宜”就會令人筋疲力盡！更不用說這不是用我的母語完成的。實際上我與用母語表達自己的程度相距甚遠。我的大部分精力都花在跟上別人的談話和保持社交合宜上。偶爾我會有一些多餘的能量來製造一個巧妙的笑話或評論，以回應別人正在討論的話題。最終從我口中說出的，可能只有我腦袋跑過的十分之一。我的頭腦在當場通常忙於消化或猜測別人在說什麼，然候如果來得及的話，將想法轉化為英文回應。

在初始階段之後，可能有一些你想進一步連結，並探索更深入交往可能性的人。現在，這就是可怕的一步 – 邀請對方出去。距離我上次這樣做已經有20多年了（遙望大學時代）。我覺得在這種場合（和這種年齡）問這個問題很尷尬，我的舌頭感到生鏽。我通常會在團體聚會的房間裡徘徊猶豫一段時間，直到有足夠的勇氣，看似隨便地走到對方跟前，問：“嘿！下週某個時候你想和我喝杯咖啡聊聊嗎？”

可怕的部分在於不知道他們會如何回應 – 他們是否和我有同樣的感覺，或者他們可能會拒絕我(這可能會讓這一切變得更尷尬！)無論結果如何，我會對自己說一聲“做得好！孩子！” ，有時候需要安撫自己度過緊張後殘留在身上的微顫抖。

這是值得的

這些勇敢的舉動是值得的。我有機會更深入地了解其中一些朋友，也讓他們更了解我。對我來說，我總是更喜歡進行1:1的對話，而不是在群體中。人與人連結的品質比連結的數量對我來的重要。能夠遇到一些感到可以放下防備，真實做自己的人，對我來說是件大事。因為其中許多人有著與我截然不同的文化背景或人生旅程，他們帶來的多樣性觀點和人生哲學豐富了我的生命，多樣性深深地滋養著我。

身為一個外國人和少數族群，提供了感受一個地方「包容性」的最佳視角。這是我在故鄉從未有過的視角，給了我全新的觀點。我意識到自己在家鄉擁有的- 視之理所當然而看不見的特權。我也意識到當年我在UCLA讀完研究所，想要回到亞洲工作，正是因為這身居弱勢的不舒服感以及機會的相對剝奪感。有趣的是，這一題對於再度回到美國的我，已經不再如此困擾，在此刻的人生，我所在意的已大不相同，所以看見的也有所不同。不同的社群可能因不同的目的而凝聚在一起，人口組成也可能大不相同。但是貫穿所有我感到有連結的社群中都有一些共同的特質 – 包容、善良和正直。

因為過去幾個月遇到的這些開放、真誠且關愛的朋友，我的心暖暖的。看著這個新的朋友圈逐漸成形，我的內心由衷地感恩。感受到自己是社群的一部分，讓我感到自在和安全。我想拍拍自己的肩膀，為自己勇敢的努力喝采。路上確實有波折和跌跌撞撞，但我依然保持顆開放的心。也想向那些用敞開的懷抱，歡迎我們的溫暖靈魂發出感謝的歡呼 – 我已經多年沒有感受到如此強烈的社群凝聚感，是你們讓我意識到我其實多麼想念這種感覺！

這裡有一些照片，欣賞我遇到的驚人社群之一 – 早上9點的Curves小隊！這些女士在很多方面都啟發著我 – 他們的活力、觀點和人生故事。他們讓我的運動時間充滿了樂趣，遠遠超出了一個體能運動！

儘管眼下這個世界似乎充斥著令人絕望的事件，我們始終可以選擇把自己的心定錨在人性的良善。它依然存在，我們需要彼此來共同維持這份內心的光，就像Michelle Obama在《The Light We Carry》中所描述的那樣- 社群至關重要。

在新的一年，我期待著繼續融入並能貢獻於這裡的社群！

“願我所做的一切像河流一樣自由流動，不勉強，也不保留，就像孩子一樣。”

Rainer Maria Rilke