I believe that each of us carries a bit of inner brightness, something entirely unique and individual, a flame that’s worth protecting. When we are able to recognize our own light, we become empowered to use it. When we learn to foster what’s unique in the people around us, we become better able to build compassionate communities and make meaningful change.
The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama
I loved this book. Her authenticity and openness about her own fear, doubts and struggles speak the volume. The light referred in this book really resonates with me because that is what I’ve been spending time in recent two years peeling off the layers, re-discovering what my light truly is and finding the way to adjust the priorities in life to keep that light on. Reading through this book makes me feel seen, heard, and understood. On top of that, I gained so much wisdom and courage from this book. Sharing my 5 takeaways with the quotes from the book (If you can resonate with some of these, you may enjoy The Light Podcast too!):
1. Starting kind
The chapter describes a habit of her friend- Ron, who is a male and always greets himself in the mirror in the morning with “Heeey! Buddy” in affectionate tone. Initially it seems amusing to to hear but she realized it has a certain quiet potency. This to me really echoes what mindful self-compassion aims to cultivate- the ultimate nourishing relationship between “me” and “me.” And I loved the fact this is a real example coming from a man, which broke the stereotype of what men “are expected” to be.
“…And in her voice channeling his voice, you can hear the blast of fresh affection Ron finds for himself at the start of a new day. he is full of warmth. It sounds as if he’s saying hello to a beloved coworker or an old friend who’s turned up out of the blue.“
“…I realized that Ron’s Heeey, Buddy!” was more than just an amusing practice. I think there’s something important about this type of habit. It’s a glimpse of someone locking into his poise, someone choosing to begin the day with kindness toward himself.“
2. The power of small
This chapter speaks about how laying “the small” alongside “the big” helps in her life. “The bigs” refer to those complex society injustice or global issues which may take generations to make significant change happen. It could be overwhelming. Knitting is “the small” to her. She picked up knitting during recent years and found knitting provides the sense of completion, something to focus outside of those never-ending, chaotic and complex agendas, an effective way to recharge and to keep sanity. I think for me the art-making and meditations works in a similar way.
“[37]….On days when my brain apprehends nothing but monolithic catastrophe and doom, when I feel paralyzed by not-enoughness and my agitation begins to stir, I pick up the knitting needles and give my hands a chance to take over, to quietly click us out of that hard place.
“..in knitting, when you create the first. stitch of a new project, you cast on. When an item is finished, you bind off. Both of these actions, I’ve found, are incredibly satisfying- the bookends of something manageable and finite. They give me a sense of completion in a world that will always and forever feel chaotic and incomplete.”
“[38]…..Finding something that’s active, something that asks for your ind but uses your body as well. Immerse yourself in a process, And forgive yourself for temporarily ducking out of the storm.”
3. Decoding fear
In this book, she reflected a lot about how she was raised by her own parents and how that impacts who she becomes today. She told the story of being asked by her mom to walk home from school by herself at the age of 5 in the Southern Chicago community. This particular chapter resonates so much with me because not only it sits with my own childhood experiences but also the perspective now as a parent- seeing how her mom dealt with the fear as a parent. When I was six, I was asked to travel to swimming classes by bus on my own, which takes about half an hour one way and I also travelled the way back dragging the tired body after the class. There are times when I overslept on the bus, missed the stop, got lost but then eventually found my way back. My parents didn’t change the logistics even after these incidents and looking back that was a crucial part building the bravery and adventurous blocks in my bones. And with no surprise, I carry this philosophy into my parenting too.
“[67] But that’s exactly why my mom made me do it. She understood the importance of setting aside her fears and allowing me the power of my own competence, even as a kindergartner. And because she had faith in me, I had faith in me, too. As scared as I was, I felt a sense of pride and independence, which became important building blocks in my foundation as an independent human being.” This spoke so much to my own growing up experiences and how it impacts my own parenting as well. “
I can totally relate to this mantra in their household.
“[38] Go forth with a spoonful of fear and return with a wagonful of competence.”
In the beginning chapter when the pandemic just started, she described the scene welcoming her daughters home from campus. She understood the power of language and described her mentality to speak as a parent, even at the time with the unprecedented uncertainty and mounted fear. A great reminder for myself- “Even when worried, you say your best hope out loud!”
“[24]……I said it because I know that’s part of the job of being a parent- to project an extra smidge of certainty even as your own knees are buckling a little bit beneath you, even as you are privately anxious about far bigger things than returning your kids to their friends. Even when worried, you say your best hope out loud”
4. Fearful mind and the armor:
Sometimes reading a book is like talking to a friend who truly understands you. What’s even better is she can spell out vividly (better than you) what your heart went through.
Fearful Mind (a.k.a. Self-Critic)
She clearly made peace with her self-critic- which she called “fearful mind.” There are several hilarious lines describing her fearful mind which I can so relate to:
“[74] She makes me uneasy. She likes to see me weak. She keeps a giant overstuffed file folder containing every mistake and misstep I’ve ever made and is constantly scanning the universe for further evidence of my failing.”
“[75]…but I do acknowledge that she’s got real estate in my head. in fact, I’ve granted her full citizenship, if only because this makes her easier to name and thus to decode”
It is lovely to see how she found the ease and learned to befriend with her fearful mind/self-critic:
“[75] Any time I hear the patter of negativity and self-criticism starting to get loud in my brain, when my doubts begin to build, I try to pause for a moment and call it as I see it. I’ve been practicing stepping back and addressing my fear with familiarity, offering no more than a half-friendly shrug and a few easy words: Oh hello. It’s you again. Thanks for showing up. For making me so alert. But I see you. You’re no monster to me”
The Armor
As I’m mentally preparing myself going back to workspace in a few months, I can’t help reflecting on what I want to keep and what I want to change in this comeback. The Armor in this book is described at such a depth (especially those lines only can heard in the head) that I’m pretty sure every professional woman can relate to. Wearing those armors to make sure we fit in consumes a great portion of energy and time. I will certainly put on a layer or two armors at the workspace but ultimately I hope to find the “right” balance so that I can be professional as well as authentic.
“[262]…….The. bottom line is that when we spend a lot of time worrying about how we fit and whether we belong- if we must continuously contort, adjust, hide and guard ourselves at work- we risk losing. opportunities to be seen as our best and truest selves, as expressive, fruitful and full of ideas.”
“This is the challenge and the drain of feeling othered. Many of us are left spending previous time and energy pondering those royal boundaries, the rad-to-parse difference between reach and overreach. We are required to think hard about our resources and how we spend them…..”
5. Kitchen table
This is the chapter that I walked away with substantial insight as well as courage. Seeing her intentional efforts to develop new friendships and the commitment to nourish the existing ones is eye-opening. I read this chapter at extremely slow pace as I reflected on my own befriending path over the decades, how those bonds formed and what friendship meant to me in this life. Making friends is never easy for me as an introvert but I also see how dear I hold these bonds. This chapter empowered me to take huge steps outside the comfort zone and eventually became the compass on my path making friends in this new town.
“[127]…..that hinge point when you make the move from Nice to meet you to Hey, let’s hangout. They’ll say it feels weird and awkward to pursue a potential friend, to ask someone to have coffee or get together outside of work or school, or to try talking face-to-face with someone they’ve only known online. They worry about appearing too eager, thinking it makes them seem desperate or uncool. They are afraid to take that risk, worried about rejection.”
“[129]….we must continue to practice the art of opening ourselves and connecting with others. The simple truth is that making a friend involves taking a risk, which of course means swallowing a little fear. Friendship can be, at least at first, an emotional gamble- much like dating. You need to show something of yourself in order for it to work. And. in showing yourself, you open yourself to being judged or even rejected. You have to be willing to accept the possibility that maybe, for any number of good reasons, you won’t end up friends with this person after all.”
“[130]….Every friendship has an ignition point. By necessity, it involves a deliberate extension of curiosity from one person to another, and I believe this is an offer you should never be ashamed to make. To say I’m curious about you is a form of gladness, and gladness as we’ve established, is nourishing. ……….You’re finding the light in another person, creating something new together. You are building a sense of home.”